Friday 15 May 2015

We’re just 1.83 million zero-hour contracts from full employment, claims government


Priti Patel on employment figures

The latest unemployment figures show we are now just 1.83 million zero-hour contracts from full employment, government sources confirmed today.

With just 1.83 million people now classed as out of work, the government said the figures were very close to being ‘perfect’.

The new Employment Minister, Priti Patel, told reporters,”Full employment is the obvious aim of this government, and now we have that target in sight.”

“All we need is 1.83 million more zero-hour contracts. And we don’t mind if that’s 1.83 million employers offering one each, or one big employer offering 1.83m of them – let’s just get it done.”

“Remember, offering someone a zero hour contract isn’t the same as offering them a proper job, you don’t need to actually give them any paid work, but it does mean we don’t have to count them any more.”

Unemployment down

Patel went on to re-emphasis the business-friendly credentials of the new government.

She continued, “You could employ 10,000 zero hour workers for free tomorrow if you wanted, imagine how good that will look to potential customers and investors. You’d look like a nice big attractive company.”

“So, if you need any help putting a zero-hour employment contract together I’ve got a copy in the car you can borrow?”

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