Friday 15 May 2015

Eight guaranteed ways to lose money and have fun doing it


Cash Money

Many websites tell you how to save money. Well, we’re here to tell you otherwise.

Saving is boring. It’s what people in little grey houses do while drinking camomile tea and pork tongue sandwiches. Scientists at Harvard University have proven a direct relationship between the amount of time spent hoarding money and the level of total banality in your life.

If you do want to save money in a sensible, educated and responsible way this list from Money Advice Service will help. But if you want to lose it in exhilarating, madcap and magnificent ways, read on…

1) Hitting the stock market

Thanks to the miracle of the internet it’s never been easier to throw some pennies at a venture capital company from Rotherham or somewhere in the hope of overthrowing Amazon.

In reality, as the overbearing panel of Dragon’s Den sometimes declare, investing in the average start-up is ‘a punt’, and one that’s likely to collapse into the River Cam. However, if you’ve got a little money that you don’t mind losing – probably within four years – then it can be a hell of a boat trip.

2) Betting

The mother lode of potentially lucrative monetary decisions, unless Mansfield beat Accrington and that hot tip from Newmarket comes in eighth – which it will. Scientists at Harvard University have proven that if you lose four bets in a row you will definitely win the fifth, and that if you don’t it’s because of a deflection and a dodgy referee.

Do a little research and then tickle the fancy of Lady Luck. The likelihood of defeat is high so remember: only gamble things you can afford, such as children’s savings, family heirlooms and mortgage deposits.

3) Data on phones

How much would you pay for the Very Best of Neil Diamond? Personally, I would pay out at least £2,609 for hits such as Sweet Caroline and Forever in Blue Jeans, which I hear are the perfect accompaniments to lounging in a South Africa hotel.

Yes, downloading music, films such as Madagascar 3 or looking at the latest selection of tacky Facebook pictures while abroad can be devastating to your mobile phone bill and subsequently your bank account, as these poor souls reveal, but at least you’ll remember those downloads.

4) Impulse buys

A fool and her money are easily parted. Especially in Primark. Or any other similar store, where someone who has a wardrobe the size of Cleethorpes suddenly finds a coat in a shade of blue a trillionth of a percent lighter than her others, and eagerly dips into their purse.

Clothes are just one addiction; Why do you need four flash drives, and when was the last time anyone you know won on a scratchcard? Do you really need five phone covers, each more gawdy than Katie Price’s knicker drawer? Do you need any – I repeat, ANY – of these cooking eccentricities? Well, yes you do actually.

5) Impulse food

There are several different categories of non-essential impulse-buy nourishment, from the cheap-looking chewing gum near the tills to the detritus in the chuck-out aisle which will sink to the bottom of the freezer faster than a dead tortoise in a swamp. Meanwhile perfectly good fruit, vegetables and salads back at your home rot like an unused lower-league substitute. Here’s the kicker though – guilty food tastes good.

6) Following online scams

I’m incredibly lucky in life – I have 178 billion Nigerian dollars waiting for me unclaimed in bank accounts from embassy officials and generals who were thoughtfully killed in accidents. That, combined with the 13 Russian women who saw my balding, parchment-skinned profile pic and decided that I would be a perfect husband, represents some seriously good spending if I wish to take things further forward.

To read about how others have fared when claiming their new inheritance, meeting 22-year-old Ruslana or claiming many other offers too good to be true, click here.

7) Sports season tickets

There’s nothing more thrilling than renewing your season ticket, especially one for a team that’s been haunted by relegation or safely nestled in mid-table for several years.

Harvard scientists have proved that shelling out the same number of pounds on a ticket as points that your team’s gathered in the past six seasons gives fans a buzz in the part of the brain known in Latin as “Wastedus Saturdaseus”

8) Laziness

Being lazy is clearly good for you. These hugely versatile Harvard scientists have proven that sitting in a darkened room with a Playstation controller in one hand and two day old pizza in the other will guarantee an extended life span.

Ordering items online with high delivery costs, refusing to turn off lights, and resorting to takeaways rather than cooking, are quintessentially slovenly and expensive habits to be discouraged by responsible people. Forget them, push another pepperoni dough mass into your face and load up one more bash at Fifa.

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