Wednesday 13 May 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Labour leadership battle to be decided in ‘trial by combat’


Labour leadership fight to the death

The potential Labour party leaders will vie for their position in a fight to the death, it was revealed today.

Shadow business secretary Chuka Umunna and shadow care minister Liz Kendall have already said they will take up arms and “stab the shit out of each other”.

Meanwhile Yvette Cooper, Andy Burnham, Tristram Hunt and Mary Creagh are also expected to choose their weapons and enter the fray.

“We were all somewhat taken aback when it was announced” said Labour spokesperson Nigel Murphy.

“Usually we have a debate or two inside the national executive, followed by a vote, but then I guess this is a new world of politics that we live in now.”

“We think it was Ed’s idea. It’s the kind of nerdy nonsense we would expect from him.”

“God it’s liberating to be able to say that now.”

Labour leadership battle

Chuka Umunna is bookies’ favourite to win the trial, what with his famed prowess with the nunchucks.

“How do you think he got the nickname ‘Chuka’?” said Murphy.

“Obviously that’s not his real name, that would just be daft. It’s because he’s really good at smacking people in the head with two short sticks joined by a chain.”

“His real name is Keith.”

“No idea where ‘Umunna’ comes from though, maybe his parents were a fan of that song from the muppets?”

Liz Kendall is second-favourite and is expected to take up a more light-footed style, having trained with a mysterious sword-dancer from the land of Braavos.

“I still can’t believe she tried to expense that,” said Murphy.

The trial will air live on Sky News, with Kay Burley calling the action and doing her best to make a fight to the death sound utterly banal.

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