Tuesday 12 May 2015 by John Shafthauer

Pope admits defeat after three-day attempted exorcism of Katie Hopkins


Katie Hopkins exorcism

Pope Francis is today recovering after an exhausting three-day exorcism that failed to expel the demons inside Katie Hopkins.

The ritual was performed by the Pope who flew into the country on a wave of optimism three days ago and has been hard at work ever since.

It has been reported by an aide close to the blessed father that the exorcism attempt dragged on for so long because Katie had in fact been infested by multiple devils and demons, all keen to remain within her.

Despite believing he was making progress, Pope Francis began to admit defeat sometime yesterday after Hopkins herself began inhaling any demon that was in danger of escaping.

A spokesperson for the Vatican told us, “It’s a sad indictment of the world we live in that a woman so clearly possessed by Hell’s demons could be mistaken as just another vile media pundit – and even get a high paying job at one of the country’s leading ‘newspapers’.”

“If she hadn’t dislocated her jaw and begun swallowing Lucy Hawking whole on The One Show, I don’t think anyone would have ever noticed.”

Hopkins exorcism ‘fails’

The Pope is expected to recover fully with bed rest, whilst Hopkins has admitted she is entirely comfortable having Satan’s own bile spew forth whenever she opens her mouth.

“I hope you drown painfully like a mediterranean refugee,” she concluded.

When asked if he knew that one of his top bastards had been possessed by Satan, News International boss Rupert Murdoch said, “Who do you think put the Devil up to it in the first place? He owed me one you see.”

The official response from The Sun claims that Hopkins is now likely to be promoted, having shown that she can hold on to what makes her evil, even under the most severe pressure.

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: