Friday 8 May 2015 by Lucas Wilde

High-earning office liberal suspiciously quiet today


Liberal voter

The sickeningly left-wing bloke in your office who earns a rather nice wage hasn’t made eye contact with anybody today and tried to avoid conversation wherever possible.

Tom Jarvis, who wears a “Legalise Marijuana” t-shirt every dress-down day and is constantly banging on about the redistribution of wealth, was expected to come in a blazing fireball of rage, vowing to smash the nearest police station to bits following the Conservatives’ unexpected majority win in the general election.

“He actually looks almost ashamed” said Becky Thomas, a comparatively normal colleague of yours, “like he’s done something that will keep him from sleeping at night.”

“It can’t be that he’s betrayed his liberal tendencies to keep a party in power that’s good for his wallet but dreadful for the poor. It definitely can’t be that.”

“I bet he’s killed someone. He looks the sort; he’s got a beard.”

Jarvis has been reassuring everyone for the last four weeks that he would be voting Labour, but turned down several invitations from friends to go to the polling station together.

“It’s bizarre” said Beth King, a friend of Jarvis “usually he’s the one organizing the party, leading us in an inspiring march down the road to the local primary school to strike a blow against “the man”, but this year he insisted on going alone.”

“I saw him coming out of the polling station be himself. He saw me, froze in his tracks and then ran in the other direction.”

“I can only assume he’s back on the smack. Either that or he betrayed everything he’s ever believed in for the sake of his tax rate.”

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