Friday 8 May 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg to open bakery together


Clegg Miliband bakery

The dunderheaded leaders of the Labour and Liberal Democrat parties are set to throw in the political towel and go into business together selling fresh bread and cakes.

Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg both had an even messier Thursday night than your mum did; their respective parties being thoroughly obliterated in a surprise majority win for the Tories.

“It was devastating” said Miliband, “but I’m not about the past, I’m about the future, and if there’s one thing that people will always need, it’s fresh bread from a smiling face.”

“Even if that smiling face resembles an extra from ‘Wallace and Gromit’.”

“With Nick’s help, we can give the people a future full of bread and cake.”

Clegg shuffled in behind Miliband and nodded in quiet agreement, his eyes still red and puffy as if he had been crying non-stop for the past 24 hours.

“It’s not ideal” he sniffled, “but it’s something, it’s helping, it’s making a difference to society. Bread is very good for you and so is cake.”

“It is, shut up. I know what I’m doing.”

The bakery will open on the fourth floor of a tower block of flats in Brixton.

“It’s all we could afford” shrugs Miliband, “losing a nationwide election has proved surprisingly expensive. But no matter, our reputation will grow and people will flock to our fourth-floor bakery.”

“Unless they’re wheelchair-bound, as the lift is broken.”

The plan to open the bakery is dependent upon a bank loan being approved, which requires Clegg and Miliband to submit a business plan.

“It’s two sheets of A4 followed by 38 blank pages” sobbed Clegg.

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