Thursday 7 May 2015 by Gary Stanton

Tories deploy tigers to deter Labour voters


Tigers voters

The outgoing Tory government has been accused of underhand tactics after unleashing tigers in Labour strongholds.

Over six thousand Bengalese tigers have been concentrated overnight around polling booths in areas such as Hartlepool, and are trained to recognise working class accents.

Maulings were reported as early as 8am across the North of England and in isolated pockets of the West Midlands.

Many other areas are reporting low voter turnout, which has been partly attributed to apathy, but in the case of Simon Williams, 42, from key marginal Wirral South, was down to a severed large intestine.

Labour claims the tigers have been trained to recognise the scent of Tony Benn’s diaries and have advised potential supporters to avoid using phrases like ‘the redistribution of wealth’ within earshot of the beasts.

Labour leader, Ed Miliband, said, “Don’t look them in the eye and don’t carry a copy of The Guardian, especially not the G2 bit.”

As news of the attacks spread, political analyst, John Goodier, had this advice for those wanting a fairer Britain.

“Like most Conservatives, these creatures are dumb sociopaths with bad teeth, who perform badly in IQ tests.”

“You can avoid attack simply by mimicking Tory behaviour or speech patterns as you make your way gingerly to the polling booth.”

“Try talking loudly in a posh voice about how much you earn or position your Audi diagonally across a disabled parking space.”

“One socialist from Stockport was able to avoid unnecessary mutilation by setting fire to a tramp with a batch of used twenties.”

The government has since denied the tigers are there to influence proceedings, insisting the deadly animals were freed after a stray tornado ripped through Chester Zoo.

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