Wednesday 6 May 2015 by Lucas Wilde

David Cameron carves manifesto pledges into benefit claimant’s forehead


David Cameron pledges

The Prime Minister has reminded everybody of his commitment to cut Britain’s welfare bill by carving his party’s manifesto into a pauper’s skull.

Following Ed Miliband’s unveiling of an eight-feet tall stone tablet with the Labour party’s key manifesto points carved into it – for reasons which remain clear to nobody – David Cameron demonstrated his commitment to continuing to cause severe pain to the poor.

“It’s an incredible gesture” said a Conservative spokesperson.

“It reminds us all of David Cameron’s intentions for the country, not only by the fact that the manifesto is there for all to see, but by the act itself, the blood pouring down the face of someone who isn’t rich.”

“Soon, this almost-human will bear the scars of a Tory government, and he will have the honour of living with them for the rest of his life.”

The recipient, Barry Wilkins, said “Ouch.”

“Sorry, it still stings quite a lot, and I’m still in a fair degree of shock. It isn’t everyday the Prime Minister of Great Britain pins you down and goes at your forehead with a Stanley knife.”

“It usually only happens every other day, and it’s usually Ian Duncan-Smith.”

“I can’t fault Mr. Cameron’s technique, though. You can clearly make out the first manifesto priority, which is to cut the homeless population by a third.”

Many of the other party leaders have followed suit, with Nigel Farage attaching his party’s manifesto to the floating corpse of a dead immigrant in the Mediterranean sea.

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