Tuesday 5 May 2015 by DavyWavy

Your cat is shitting on your settee, insist experts


Cats shitting everywhere

Your cat is curling one out on your furniture whilst you’re at work, we can report this morning.

Despite you having a cat flap and a litter tray, the cuddly bundle of fur which you are incorrectly convinced loves you is currently heaving out a huge loaf on your new cushions.

Putting it out for half an hour before you left was completely ineffective, we can confirm, and all that purring simply served to lull you into a false sense of security.

The stool, which will fester for hours until you get home, will be half covered by that rug you quite like which was hung over the back of the sofa.

A spokesman for the nation’s cats told us “Look, you people needn’t think we like you.”

“In return for food and shelter we will either ignore you or unexpectedly attack you. That’s the deal and don’t you forget it.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I consider your bedroom my territory and I’m off to spray it, and everything in it.”

“Aaaaaahhhhhh, that’s better”, he added.

At time of writing your cat has completed evacuating its bowels and is now considering either sharpening its claws on your curtains or leaving a dead mouse in your shoe.

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