Thursday 30 April 2015 by Lucas Wilde

By the year 2030 men will live until 85 and work until 86, says report


Old Man life expectancy

The men of England and Wales are in better health than ever and will soon die only a year before their projected retirement, according to a recent study.

Scotland was not considered in the study as it was thought that the average Scottish male lifespan of 42 would put a massive downer on the figures.

“It’s quite heartening, really,” said Colin Hargreaves, an 18 year-old student from Ipswich.

“The knowledge that if I take really good care of myself, I can spend an extra few years decaying at a desk in a job I hate, earning money for grandchildren I can’t remember anymore.”

“If I do get to retire within my lifespan, I won’t know if it’s actually retirement, or if I’ve just died and gone to heaven.”

“Mind you a lot of people seem to retire to Bournemouth, and I’d hope that God’s idea of paradise is a little more ambitious than that.”

Life expectancy improving

Researchers from the Imperial College of London also found that men are rapidly catching up with women, not only in terms of cookery but also in terms of sheer survival, with males expected to snuff it only two years before their female counterparts within the next twenty years.

“Oh goody” said Helen Wright, a 43 year-old housewife possessed by crippling inertia.

“Frankly the only thing I had left to look forward to was a four-year period where I wouldn’t have to pick up underpants scattered about the house.”

“I guess I’ll have to encourage him to start drinking again. Either that or suggest he take up hang-gliding.”

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