Wednesday 29 April 2015 by Lucas Wilde

John Prescott rushes to Lindo Wing after free pastry delivery


John Prescott Lindo Wing

Former Deputy Prime Minister and human pumpkin John Prescott has been spotted outside the royal birthing ward, wearing an ‘I love Kate’ t-shirt and waving a Union Jack flag.

The Lord Prescott arrived on the scene shortly after news broke that the Duchess of Cambridge had sent dozens of breakfast pastries and free coffees to a horde of lunatics desperate for news of the royal birth, due to the take place at the Lindo Ward in the next few days.

“I’ve always been a big fan of Kate” said Prescott, glancing over our shoulder as if looking for a baker’s van to arrive.

“Ever since her and Harry first got together, I knew it was true love.”

“You what? Oh, William. That’s who I meant. All the royals are just so lovable, it’s easy to confuse them, isn’t it?”

“I’m just so excited to be here, I really am. I’m dying to find out if it’s a boy, or if they will be having a second baby girl.”

Other royal fans have described the moment that Prescott arrived.

“It was very surreal” said Ann Beeston, currently residing on the steps outside the Lindo Wing.

“The pastries arrived, which was obviously a wonderful surprise, and then shortly after we’d finished them, two Jaguars screeched to a halt in the middle of the street, and John Prescott got out of both of them.”

“I’m still not sure how he did that.”

“He looked around with a wild glint in his eye, and spotted a young man covered in pastry flakes. He grabbed him by the collar and shouted ‘where are they? Don’t lie to me! I know they’re here! I can smell them!’ But it was no use, they’d all been eaten.”

Surveillance footage shows Prescott then walked across the street to a popular royal-tat shop, purchasing a t-shirt and flag, changing immediately, and then marching back to sit outside the Lindo Wing in quiet anticipation of the royal birth, presumably.

“If Eric Pickles turns up as well, we’re doomed” said Beeston.

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