Monday 27 April 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Hospital ‘touchscreen’ check-in worst idea ever, confirms everyone


Hospital touch screen

Literally every person you have ever met is trying to work out how a touchscreen patient check-in system could possibly be a logical concept in a fucking hospital.

As South Glasgow University Hospital (nicknamed “Death Star”, partly because it’s really massive and a bit grey, but mostly because many people will perish within) opened today, outpatients were seen checking themselves in by smearing their diseased-riddled, unwashed hands all over the self-service screen.

“It’s almost impressively stupid” said Laura Kwan, Head of Hygiene at Soap4U.

“Hospitals spend countless hours cleaning and trying to prevent the spread of germs amongst patients, and now we’ve invented screens that EVERYONE with EVERY germ, disease and/or parasite you can think of will touch multiple times the moment they enter the hospital.”

“I’m sure you don’t need a Powerpoint presentation to realise that a bloody four year-old could spot the flaw in that plan.”

The touchscreens will have hand-sanitizer next to them along with a request that this be administered before touching the screen, but it is thought that people will deliberately ignore this first instruction out of sheer spite, having just paid around £40 for an hour’s worth of parking.

“Alright, you rumbled us” chuckled Nigel Johnson, MP for South Glasgow, “we are actively trying to kill people off more quickly.”

“If you LIVED in Scotland you would know. This is a country that exists almost solely on a diet of battered meat products.”

“The strain on the NHS is intolerable and honestly I think you should be thanking us for doing something about it.”

14 outpatients have checked in on the hospitals self-service check-in so far. It is thought that 11 of them will be dead by Thursday.

“Marvelous” declared Johnson.

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