Saturday 25 April 2015

David Cameron promises to do better at remembering lies he’s told us


David Cameron lies about football team

When you tell a lot of lies, sometimes you forgot the details of some of the less important ones, David Cameron confirmed today.

After confusing the football team he pretended to support with a team that wears similar colours, the Prime Minister blamed his mistake on a ‘brain fade’.

He told reporters, “Look, I misspoke – it happens. When you tell as many lies as I do, it’s hard to keep track of what you’ve actually told people.”

“It wasn’t in the script, it was a little ad-lib that I thought would make me seem ‘normal’ – a joke about supporting a football team, what could be more normal than that?”

“But I simply couldn’t recall who I’d lied about supporting as I started the joke – I could see the colours, but I just couldn’t remember the team’s name, so I panicked.”

“Then I remembered it’s the colours of West Ham, of course! – but I knew I’d made a mistake as soon as my aide told me I’d made a mistake after the speech.”

“I should have said Aston Villa, not West Ham – I know that now, and I promise it’s a lie I have committed to memory moving forward.”

“I can only ask forgiveness from the electorate and make you a promise that I will work hard to remember the lies I have told you in future.”

“For example, I have already memorised every lie I’ve ever told you about the NHS, helping the poor and being tougher on the bankers.”

“I promise I’ll never get those lies wrong in public ever again.”

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