Thursday 23 April 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Exercise pointless if you keep pushing cakes into your fat face, conclude experts


Obesity

Scientists have confirmed that members of the public can run on a treadmill all they like, but it won’t make a jot of difference if they keep eating cake like their life depended on it.

In a report that has shocked the world, scientists found that burning off 400 calories in the gym is utterly pointless after consuming 4000 calories worth of lager and curry.

“It’s truly startling,” said Dr. Leonard McThighmaster.

“We were always under the impression that you could eat whatever you like as long as you dick about in the gym for ten minutes a week.”

“But this new study reveals what only a few of us suspected: Exercise is not the key to beating obesity.”

“Rather, it is slowing the rate at which gravy is poured down one’s gullet.”

Exercise effect on obesity

The report reveals that exercise remains important for tackling health issues such as heart disease and diabetes, but is not really that important for aspects such as what other people think of you, or how awful you look compared to that woman on the front of that magazine.

“That’s really annoying” said Norman Heath, a rambler from Guildford.

“I figured that all the walking I did meant that I could just kind of chill and eat lard and look forward to a long and happy life.”

“That’s why I got into rambling in the first place. Why else would you do it? It’s dull as all hell, but it’s easier than going to a gym.”

The news has come as a particularly satisfying shock to that smug bastard you work with, who reckons he can eat what he likes because he goes to a spin class once a week.

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