Thursday 23 April 2015

Dublin streets full of ‘plastic English’ drinking tea and eating scones

Dublin st georges Day

Irish people with a tenuous connection to being English are today celebrating St George’s day with lots of tea and scones.

Tea houses and coffee shops across Ireland are expecting a bumper day as their tills overflow thanks to Irish people who happen to have an English great-grandparent.

Seamus O’Neill told us, “My grandfather was from Kent, so I’m as English as they come.

“I mean, I was born in Kilkenny, and I’ve lived in Dublin for fifteen years, but I’m still English today.

“People think it’s just an excuse to take the day off and eat cream cakes, but it’s actually about honouring your personal history – whilst having a big cake-eating party.

“I’ve booked tomorrow off, because last year I had such a tea hangover, honestly, I must have had ten pints of the brown stuff.

“And none of this foreign muck, proper Yorkshire Tea, obviously.”

The Garda have warned against excessive exuberance after last year’s celebrations saw three cups and saucers broken in Temple Bar.

A spokesperson told us, “Everyone likes a drink, and we want everyone to have a good time celebrating their English heritage, but tea is always best in moderation – so please exercise caution.

“It took literally minutes to clear up after last year’s celebrations after the crumbs went everywhere, so I hope this year they’re all a bit more restrained.

“Oh, and happy St George’s day to you, obviously.”

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