Wednesday 22 April 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Tesco CEO spotted shopping at Lidl after £6.4bn loss


Tesco profits

The head of supermarket giant Tesco has started doing his weekly food shop at Lidl after it was revealed that his company has financially fucked itself into a tin hat.

Dave Lewis, who has sat at the head of the Tesco table since September last year, was spotted forlornly perusing the anonymously branded tins of baked beans in the Lidl tinned-goods section.

“It’s time to tighten the purse-strings” admitted the crestfallen CEO.

“Gone are the days of old where we would post suspiciously high pre-tax profits. Now is the time to knuckle down and pull ourselves up from the bottom.”

“Although it is a bit soul-destroying here. Everyone is looking me like I’m a freak just because I’m wearing matching shoes.”

“Earlier on I picked up something from the butchery section which was simply labelled ‘Edible Meat’. It’s very different from the old days when I used to shop at Waitrose.”

“You wouldn’t have a quid for the car park, would you?”

Tesco profits

Lidl cashier, Sophie Watkins, said “It’s a bit sad, really. I told him that carrier bags were 3p each and he looked at me like I’d just told him his dog had been killed by a threshing machine.”

“Then he went and returned a half-bottle of ‘Italian-Style Imitation Pasta Sauce’ to its shelf, and came back with a tear in his eye.”

Lewis is expected to sell his two houses and relocate to a one-bedroom flat in Slough; its low property prices and excellent rail links proving invaluable to any busy CEO who has suddenly found his company flat on its arse.

Tesco’s £6.4bn pre-tax loss has been blamed on factors such as falling property values, strong competition, and the slow realization that a visit to Tesco on a Saturday is one of the most hellish experiences one could possibly imagine.

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