Wednesday 22 April 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Clarkson worshippers stock up on candles as BBC announces airing of presenter’s final scenes


Jeremy Clarkson final scenes

Members of the Latter Day Church of Jeremy Clarkson have begun preparations following the announcement that the King of Denim’s final recorded BBC scenes will be aired in the summer.

The BBC said there was “no way” that they would refuse to air the work of a man guilty of a physical assault.

Clarksonites will don pube-like wigs and gather in designated Aston Martin dealerships, where they will light candles, hold hands and hum the “Top Gear” theme tune during the minutes leading up to the broadcast, whereupon they will view the final scenes in stony silence.

Head of the Church, the Right Revved-Up Theodore Wallace, said, “This will be a somber and spiritual occasion.”

“Since the Lord our Clarkson so bravely punched a producer in the face for failing to provide hot sustenance, his followers have been left bereft of hope, stumbling through life, the only light in the darkness being Dave’s endless repeats of Top Gear from 2003.”

“Finally, we can have closure. We can have peace as we enjoy the final moments of the greatest presenter and indeed human being……………in the world.”

Clarkson’s final scenes

It is not yet known what is contained in the final scenes, but Clarksonites are hoping it will contain shenanigans typical of their outspoken and occasionally boorish saviour.

“I hope he kills a swan” said Norman Thomas, lifelong Clarksonite.

“What better way to say a big ‘fuck you’ to the establishment – of which he is most definitely not a solid member?”

“Yes, I know he lives very near David Cameron and Rebekah Brooks, but Jesus hung out with lepers and prostitutes, so Q.E.D. really.”

Theodore Wallace concluded, “Blessed be the name of Jeremy Clarkson, blessings upon his heavy foot, his rebellious spirit, and his perfectly reasonable approach to dealing with the prospect of cold food.”

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