Tuesday 14 April 2015 by Gary Stanton

Rough sleepers given right-to-buy their cardboard boxes


Homeless right to buy

The government has extended the right-to-buy scheme to Britain’s estimated two hundred thousand rough sleepers.

Since the coalition came to power, London has seen an exponential growth in the homeless market with many people finding it increasingly difficult to get on the cardboard box ladder.

Boxes that previously would have been snatched off a market stall have been changing hands for up to five hundred pounds or six bottles of Premium Highland Malt.

Cameron said, “In the past, the homeless would have been whisked off the streets and used by MPs in some sort of sordid right-wing orgy before disappearing without trace.

“I’m not ashamed to say we were wrong on that, just as we were wrong on rail privatisation and Jimmy Savile.”

The PM will also restrict Stamp Duty to boxes worth more than £500, meaning the most down-at-heel will be laughing all the way to the food bank.

The right-to-buy-cardboard scheme is an extension of Thatcher’s eighties policy which took social housing away from those who needed it most and led to a rise in stone-cladding.

The PM continued, “This is a great day for dossers, addicts and other people with severe mental health issues, perhaps arising as a result of sexual abuse by a family member, from whom they are fleeing.”

Homeless man Simon Williams said, “I’ve been sharing my current box under Waterloo Bridge with my elderly parents and things can get a little cramped from time to time.

“To be able to invest in my own box will enable me to look down on my neighbour, who tried to attack me last night with a broken bottle before slashing his wrists.

“Besides, the old one stank of piss.”

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