Wednesday 8 April 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Labour would outlaw submissive roleplay, claims confused journalist


Miliband non-dom election pledge

A Labour government would put new restrictions on BDSM, says a journalist who only half-listened to a statement today.

After the revelation that Labour would “outlaw non-doms” in the UK, columnist and Story of O fan Miranda Foley was quick to pour scorn on the idea.

“It’s an outrage” said Foley, who has never had reason to be truly outraged in her whole bubble-wrapped life.

“What people get up to in the bedroom is their own business. As long as nobody gets hurt. In fact some of us like to be hurt, as long as it’s by an attractive partner.”

“Just because Ed Miliband’s timid face screams ‘missionary position on a Sunday evening’ shouldn’t mean the rest of us have to follow suit.”

“I bet he doesn’t even have the lights on.”

Non-Doms

One or two experts have pointed out that the statement actually refers to the non-domicile rule, which allows some wealthy UK residents to limit the tax paid on earnings outside the country.

But nobody has paid much attention as Miranda Foley has more Twitter followers than all of them combined.

“Despicable” said John Hurtwood, a Foley follower and spanking enthusiast from Coventry, “One of the few things my wife and I have in common is a strong desire to see me whipped and beaten.”

“I absolutely will not give that up and compromise my marriage just because Labour aren’t into it.”

“If being ball-gagged and horse-whipped in the privacy of my own home is wrong, then I don’t want to know what’s right.”

“Besides, I deserve to be called a naughty boy after all of the earnings I’ve got paid into offshore accounts. Let’s see Labour put a stop to that one.”

“What? Oh, for fuck’s sake…”

Quick to jump on the bandwagon, UKIP have released a statement saying that they would allow absolutely anything in the bedroom, subject to a HIV screening process and passport check at the threshold.

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