Tuesday 7 April 2015

Force-fed lamb is extra tender, confirms bloody-mouthed Cameron


David Cameron lambs

Lamb that is force-fed milk is extra tender, David Cameron confirmed today – especially when you eat it blood-red rare.

Taking a break from campaigning to participate in the force-feeding practise of many lamb farmers, Cameron said he couldn’t wait to tuck into the little ones he forced to guzzle milk way beyond their normal capacity.

The prime minister told reporters, “As we enter the final month of campaigning before the election it’s important to take some time to relax, and I find a good way of doing that is by overpowering a defenceless animal and forcing it to drink things that will make it delicious when I kill it.”

“Force feeding is a difficult skill, you’ve got to hold the mouth firm around the bottle and cover the nose so they can’t breathe and have no choice but to suck the milk down.”

“Yes, they do struggle a bit, but they’re quite small and easily overpowered. A bit like poor people.”

“It’s a bit of a hassle to go through all this effort, certainly, but feels worth it when the lamb steak on your plate is dripping with delicious blood.”

“No, I don’t take mint sauce, that’s for the plebs who don’t enjoy the taste of the almost raw meat of animal children.”

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