Friday 27 March 2015

Lonely Jeremy Clarkson caught narrating shopping trolley performance around Waitrose


Jeremy Clarkson

Recently fired former Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has been seen wandering around a Cotswolds Waitrose narrating the performance of his shopping trolley.

Waitrose customer and confirmed Waitrose card-holder Simon Williams claimed he saw Clarkson several times during his weekly shopping trip, and insisted he cut a forlorn figure.

Williams said, “I first saw him in the produce aisle – well, technically I heard him first as he came up behind me muttering ‘the Waitrose trolley is of course now on its fourth iteration, and one would hope they’ve addressed the performance concerns that have dogged loyal customers such as myself, for years’.”

“I decided to follow him for a bit, because I wanted to know what he thought about the cornering.”

“Jeremy then said ‘Many had hoped for improved suspension or power steering, but what we’re left with is a budget abomination that appears to defy physics’.”

“I lost him for a bit as I had to pick up some pate at the deli counter, but by the time I reached the cereals he was talking to himself about the trim.”

“I heard him say ‘It’s finished in so much fake Chrome you’d think it belonged to a premiership footballer – though there’s barely enough room inside for a drunken threesome.”

Clarkson reviews shopping trolley

Others have said that although Clarkson seemed lonely, he did become more animated as his review began to conclude.

Another customer told us, “When he described the handling of the full trolley as being like trying to steer Bambi across the ice in roller skates, he looked really quite happy with himself – even if only briefly.”

“By the time he reached his car I saw him look at his watch and say ‘Twenty-three minutes and forty-three seconds – let’s see if the Stig can beat that‘.”

“Then he sat in his car and cried for a bit.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: