Friday 27 March 2015

Labour manifesto to include pledge on 100% reduction in Katie Hopkins


Labour Katie Hopkins billboard

After promising to leave the country if Ed Miliband becomes Prime Minister, Katie Hopkins has found herself central to a revised Labour election strategy.

After a better than expected performance in the televised leaders event where Ed Miliband’s trousers didn’t fall down, he didn’t choke on a sandwich, or trip over a step into the front row of the audience, Labour strategists are seeking to maximise the opportunity present by Hopkins.

As one senior party official explained, “What we really needed for this campaign is something the entire nation feels really passionate about.”

“I’ll be honest, I was sure that thing would be saving the NHS – but it turns out it’s about making sure Katie Hopkins leaves the country, and so we’re happy to oblige.”

“We are therefore making an election manifesto promise to reduce Britain’s Katie Hopkins population by 100% if Labour win the general election.”

“No ifs, no buts – we win, she’s gone. We promise.”

“We’ve doubled our ad buy around the country, and soon you won’t be able to move without seeing our commitment to seeing Katie Hopkins gone from these shores.”

“We had anticipated having to circumvent human rights legislation somehow to get her out, but she’s only gone and offered to leave on her own accord.”

“This literally could not have gone any better.”

Katie Hopkins election pledge

Undecided voters have said the pledge is more than enough to convince them to vote Labour.

On-the-fence Simon Williams told us, “I’m believe we should help people less fortunate than ourselves, but I also don’t like the thought of subsidising workshy layabouts – so I’ve been a bit torn.”

“But frankly, if it means living a country without that vile woman in it, I’d happily vote Lib Dem. Seriously.”

The Conservatives have reacted with their own pledge, insisting they will try to get rid of Russell Brand should they win a second term.

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