Thursday 26 March 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Zayn Malik quits One Direction to head up new Top Gear


ZAyn Malik to join Top Gear

One Direction heart-throb Zayn Malik has sensationally quit the group to become the new presenter of Top Gear.

“Frankly, I wanted to broaden my appeal,” said Malik.

“I’m already globally popular with teenage girls, but I just haven’t really registered with middle-aged, casually racist men.”

“Heading up Top Gear should really boost my popularity in that demographic.”

New Top Gear presenter

The BBC yesterday sacked the current Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson for having a face that looked too much like mashed potato.

“We’re really excited to have Zayn on board,” said producer Oisin Tymon.

“Obviously, the most important consideration in looking for a new presenter is whether or not I could take him or not, and Zayn’s soft as shit.”

“Anyone could have him in a fight, so that’s great for me.”

The BBC are said to be particularly keen on Malik’s malleability.

“Oh, yes. He was in a Simon Cowell boy band so he should be much more likely to shut up and do precisely as he’s told.”

“It’ll bring a new dynamic to the show, and the other presenters are looking forward to the legions of teenage girl fans that Zane will bring, particularly James who has never spoken to a girl before.”

It is unknown whether Jeremy Clarkson will be joining One Direction in an exchange deal.

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