Wednesday 25 March 2015 by Lucas Wilde

People with horrifically skewed priorities ‘in mourning’ as Clarkson is let go


The decision not to renew Jeremy Clarkson’s Top Gear contract has been described by middle-aged men everywhere as ‘the worst thing that could possibly happen to me’.

Stocks in non-descript denim jeans companies have gone through the floor upon the announcement, which has left people without the ability to put the news into its proper context, completely bereft.

42 year-old Top Gear and shed enthusiast, Michael Evans, said “It’s a disgrace. That’s my word I always use.”

“My television viewing habits have been thrown into disarray. All I have left now is the golf. All Clarkson did was attack a producer. It’s not like he did anything illegal.”

“It is? Oh. Right.”

Clarkson to leave Top Gear

It’s not just loyal Clarkson fans who are feeling the effects, as the stock market also taken a hit as the future of denim was called into question.

“We’re doomed”, said Nigel Fittismane, CEO of Blue & Proper Jeans Manufacturers.

“Clarkson set the baseline for how all middle-aged men should dress, drive and behave in general.”

“Without him propping up the jeans market, we’ve nothing left.”

“I would say now is the time for corduroy, but I don’t know if James May is staying or not.”

Clarkson led the Top Gear presenting team for well over a decade, during which time he got away with all sorts of racist bullshit, but BBC bosses insisted that punching a man who not only worked on the show, but was also white, was really going a step too far.

The general public is expected to react to the news with the sense of proportion usually expected of a child who has just been told that he is only getting one Christmas present.

“Bring back Clarkson!” said Louise Giddings, a dickhead from Manchester.

“I don’t care what he’s done, he’s a legend. And yes, I mean that in the complete sense of the world alongside Thor, Odysseus and all that lot. His achievements are definitely equal with theirs.”

It is unclear at this stage whether or not Clarkson will continue to work in television or simply return to the countryside to blow up foxes.

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