Wednesday 25 March 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Fracking industry demands cute little girl with pigtails as regulator


New Fracking regulator needed

Representatives from the UK fracking industry have called the current regulatory system ‘complex and relatively unapproachable’, demanding a new one led by a cute little girl with pigtails.

“The complexity of the regulatory framework has led to a lack of confidence in fracking as a technology,” said a cloven-hoofed representative of the fracking companies.

“It’s got nothing to do with the fact with we want to pump a periodic table’s worth of chemicals under Junior Schools around the countryside.”

Fracking companies are proposing a new regulatory framework that consists of the little girl with pigtails and a big ‘YES’ stamp.

“The little girl with pigtails is purely to make our regulatory system more approachable for the public.”

“To suggest that it would advantage the industry to have a regulator whose opinion can be swung by a new doll and a lollipop is outright cynicism,” continued the representative, scratching a horn.

Fracking regulator

There does seem to be a flaw in the industry’s plan however, we spoke to Charlotte, a five-year-old with pigtails from Sussex.

“Work for the fracking companies? Fuck off. I’m five, I was hoping to make it until at least nineteen before I had to sell my soul.”

But the industry representative would not be deterred.

“I am confident we can find a little girl to serve the dark one, I mean, the fracking industry,” he said, before disappearing in a puff of sulphur.

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