Monday 23 March 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Viable UKIP candidates on verge of becoming endangered species


UKIP candidates becoming endangered species

With natural selection continuing to kill off weaker UKIP election candidates at an alarming rate, the party is in danger of being just Nigel Farage and the woman off Brookside by early May.

The shocking prediction ends a terrible weekend for the party which saw members leave or be sacked due to bullying, fraud and (probably) someone saying something racist.

Anthropologist Dr Simon Williams told us, “If something is not done soon, future generations might only have the opportunity to learn about UKIP from their history books.”

“We should consider taking some of them into captivity where they can’t do any more damage to themselves, and protect them so that they don’t disappear altogether.”

However Nigel Farage brushed off the warning, telling us “Look, it really doesn’t matter if the only people left standing for UKIP are me and the woman off Brookside.”

“There are loads of advantages; we can hold our party conference on a bus seat, Domino Pizzas do great two-for-one offers – and if one of the party members says something racist then I can be almost completely positive that it’ll have been the woman off Brookside.”

UKIP continues losing candidates

Despite viable candidate numbers dwindling at an alarming rate, hardcore supporters insist it will not deter them from voting UKIP in the general election.

“I’d still vote for them,” said professional village idiot and UKIP supporter Steven Matthews.

“Even if it’s just Nigel Farage and the woman off Brookside, they can still have a go at the immigrants and muck up the NHS. Which is brilliant.”

UKIP election candidate numbers are expected to further dwindle in the coming weeks as more of them say racist things, commit fraud, sexually harass people, shout incoherent nonsense at reporters, foam at the mouth, be revealed as architects of genocide, and kick puppies.

The woman off Brookside has yet to comment.

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