Friday 20 March 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Optician plans to buy yacht shortly after eclipse


Solar Eclipse

Optician, Adam Burnage, has been rubbing his hands with glee at the prospect of treating hordes of morons who will be staring directly at the sun this morning.

The UK will be plunged into even more darkness than usual as the moon makes a desperate bid for attention during the solar eclipse.

Despite warnings that staring at the brightest thing in the solar system could damage your eyes, thousands of people are still expected to look straight into the sun and melt their eyes from the inside out.

“I’ll be purchasing a double decker fishing vessel, with a built-in kitchen and hot-tub,” boasted Burnage.

“Eclipses come along rarely; but they are the optician’s version of a banker’s bonus. We always rake it in.”

“I bought a new Mercedes and a shiny set of golf clubs last time round.”

“You people will never learn. And I love you all for that.”

Solar eclipse

Local idiot, Tim Stephenson, said “My eyes will be fine. Trust me.”

“I’m not a doctor, a scientist or even very good at chewing, but I’ve never gone blind from staring at a light before, and that’s all the sun is: a very big light.”

“The eclipse is like a big plate passing in front of a big light. What kind of idiot could be hurt by that?”

“I’m going to make sure my kids stare straight at it as well. It will get them away from the TV- now THAT thing will ruin their eyes.”

Many other people are expected to attempt to take selfies during the eclipse, and then post the photo on twitter under the hashtag “omgdarkloooool”.

It is hoped that these people will lose their sight, stumble, and fall into a ravine during the extended period of darkness.

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