Friday 20 March 2015 by Neil Tollfree

One Direction stars warned not to do ‘music’ in Manilla


One Direction Manilla ban

Zayn Malik and Louis Tomlinson have been asked to post bonds of 200,000 pesos each for a special work permit ahead of the group’s visit to the city, conditional on them making no attempt to do their ‘music’.

It follows a video leaked last May in which Malik and Tomlinson were shown allegedly ‘singing’ whilst also using cannabis.

Elaine Tan, of the Philippine Bureau of Immigration, said they are fine with the drugs but would come down hard on any attempts at music as they were ‘clearly a pair of talentless shitehawks’.

Local One Direction fans were broadly in favour of the measures.

“I just like looking at them,” said one.

“The noise they make is a bit annoying, so I think it is good they won’t do that.”

However One Direction’s famously hysterical and aggressive fans in the West are livid.

“I don’t even know what Manilla is,” said lifelong fan Simon Williams.

“But I hate it so much that I’m going to travel to Syria and join Isis just so I can totally shit them up.”

“I’m going arse them all right in their faces until they beg for One Direction’s brilliant mercy. Then I’ll do them with a nuclear bomb.”

We asked One Direction for a comment on the matter but were told they were far too rich and good looking to bother.

In a late development to the story, Malik has had to fly home as he is unable to pay the bond due having spent his fortune on sweets.

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