Thursday 19 March 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Wank-rags killing the planet, say experts


Wet Wipes

The gentleman’s choice of post-masturbation cleaning apparatus, the wet-wipe, has doubled its presence on UK beaches in the last twelve months, according to reports.

The hand-shandy-shammies are being flushed down toilets as opposed to thrown into a bin, as wankers all over the UK mistakenly believe that they will break up in the same way as toilet tissue.

In fact, the small plastic fibres within the grot-cloths prevent them from disintegrating in the same way, leading to blocked sewers and surplus deluge on the UK’s already rubbish-looking beaches.

“I can see why we do it”, said conservationist, Jonny Gillard, “the last thing I want to do is leave my gentleman’s sponge in a bin where my wife can see and/or smell it when she gets home.”

“Flushing a wet-wipe down the loo is seen as important as wiping one’s Internet history. But the simple fact is, it’s causing excess litter and it needs to stop.”

Wet Wipes

Indeed, the wet-wipe was first invented by the 14th Earl of Wessex in 1968, who grew tired of carefully dabbing away his leavings with a tissue, and famously instructed his servants to “stop standing there gawping and come up with something more effective, will you?”

Housewife, Nikki McKlusky, said “Honestly, I don’t care.”

“We all know you do it. Just put the thing in a bin when you’re done, and maybe empty the thing if it’s full. Do you think you could manage that? DO YOU?!!”

It is anticipated that unless action is taken immediately, the UK coastline will contain more used wet-wipes than grains of sand by the year 2023.

Which although experts say will be deeply unpleasant, it will at least make it easier to find a space on the Bournemouth coastline on a hot day.

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