Wednesday 18 March 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Judges properly horny, finds report


Judges properly horny

The UK judicial system’s leading figures are gagging for it 24/7, according to a recent report.

Three judges have been sacked and one has retired in the nick of time following a recent investigation which found that they had been watching jazz movies on their work computers, unlike the rest of the country’s workers, who would never do such a thing.

Psychologist, Emma Greenaway, said “It’s understandable, when you think about it.”

“These people spend all day deciding the fate of criminals and handing down prison sentences. That would definitely give me the horn.”

“It’s important that we don’t judge them too harshly, even though that’s what they’ve probably done to one of us at least once in their careers.”

The pornography viewed by the judges has been described as “totally legal”; the standard description given to anything morally wrong.

“Lezzers, mostly” said former magistrate, Matthew Schooling.

“Anyway, I offered to step down immediately after I was sacked as I’d hate to bring the Crown Court into disrepute with my personal habits.”

“We can’t get away with it, we’re judges, not members of parliament.”

Downing Street has released a statement saying that it is “very concerned that those responsible for the fate of this country’s criminals can’t even be arsed with wiping their own internet history.”

“Seriously, it’s easy.”

The pornography investigation has been one of the most thorough in human history, with three men spending 417 hours each as they reviewed the material found on the judge’s hard drive.

“It was revolting,” said an exhausted Jay Cooper, “I was absolutely horrified for every single second.”

“Could you get the door? I’m having trouble lifting my arms.”

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