Tuesday 17 March 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Glastonbury fans begin preparing bottles of piss for Kanye West


Kanye West Glastonbury

Ticketholders for annual noise-and-unsafe-sex-fest Glastonbury have already begun storing up their urine in glass containers ahead of Kanye West’s headline performance.

The announcement that Mr. West would be performing his “music” at the festival – traditionally a haven for guitar-based warblings – was met with an initial outcry by hordes of middle class people looking forward to acting like stoned teenagers for the weekend.

However, fans’ initial pessimism has turned to glee as the realization dawned that this might be the only opportunity they have to drown Kanye West in liters and liters of their own water.

“It’s going to be epic”, said Robert Sharp, who was initially hoping for Metallica.

“And I don’t mean epic in the hyperbolic sense, I mean it literally. Nobody in human history will ever have been covered with more piss, generated by more people than Kanye West will be in just a few short weeks.”

“I wouldn’t be seen dead at a Kanye West event, so it’s very generous of him to offer himself up on a plate like this.”

“It’s a shame he can’t perform every night. I’ve got a lot of urine in this body of mine.”

Kanye West at Glastonbury

Fans have been holding parties known as “Piss-Ups”, where the empty bottles from the night are immediately urinated into, then stored in a special cellar known as the “West Wing”.

“You should see my West Wing,” said Ellie Scatliffe, a middle class Glastonbury fan from Somerset.

“There are bottles and bottles of urine as far as the eye can see. Even more so than I would usually store down there.”

“I can’t wait to see each and every one of them hit Kanye West right in the eye. I’ve been limbering up on the local sports field especially.”

“I can hit a pig with a spear from two hundred yards now, so hitting Kanye right in his massive, ego-inflated head shouldn’t be much of a challenge.”

A Glastonbury Festival spokesman said “Glastonbury takes safety and security very, very seriously.”

“That’s why we’re providing each audience member with protective gloves and headgear to protect themselves from the glass.”

“Not Kanye, though, that prick is on his own.”

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