Monday 16 March 2015 by DavyWavy

NHS keen to reunite Nigel Farage with lost testicle


Nigel Farage to be reunited with testicle

The NHS has offered to give Nigel Farage his testicle back as a goodwill gesture, we can exclusively reveal.

The UKIP leader has suggested the Health Services almost killed him when it failed to spot anything was wrong when he contracted testicular cancer, despite it being “the size of a rock-hard lemon”.

However, the NHS has insisted that they told him it was three times bigger than average and Farage insisted that was perfectly normal for a true Briton.

In an attempt to be conciliatory, NHS chiefs have offered to return Farage’s knacker which they say they’re pretty much done with now, thanks very much.

“There’s only so many things you can do with a rock-hard lemon”, said an NHS spokesman.

“A game of cricket, maybe, or a paperweight. And believe you me, despite size and shape it doesn’t work with gin and tonic.”

“That was a party we’d all like to forget”, he added.

The testicle will be returned to Farage in a brief ceremony to the tune of “Colonel Bogey.”

Farage’s testicle

In other news, Labour Leader Ed Miliband has asked if the NHS can supply him with a testicle or two, seeing as he doesn’t appear to have any.

Miliband told reporters that could do with some testicles as there is ‘an ewection coming up’, and everyone was too polite to ask him exactly what he meant.

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