After Tesco confirmed a batch of their bananas contained a spider whose bite is capable of giving a man a four-hour erection, queues began forming around stores everywhere.
The bananas, shipped from Costa Rica, were infested with eggs from the Brazilian Wandering Spider – the most deadly in the world, but which can also give a man a four-hour erection.
Middle-aged customer Simon Williams told us, “Yes, they are deadly, I get that – crossing the road is also dangerous, but that’s unlikely to give me a super-boner, is it?”
“I just think that in this day and age of ‘miracle’ pharmaceuticals it would be nice to have a prolonged erection thanks to a truly organic source – and what better way than from the bite of a deadly spider from your local Tesco store?”
“It’s eco-friendly and I get to pretend I’m 18 again – unless of course I die of a heart-attack in the meantime.”
“To be clear, that’s a risk I’m perfectly willing to take.”
However another customer told us, “I think it’s a terrible breach of health and safety and Tesco should be ashamed of themselves.”
“But, you know, if this bag I bought does contain the spiders, should I let them bite directly on the penis, or will anywhere count?”
Tesco spider boners
With stocks of Tesco bananas running low across the country, the black market has already begun exploiting demand with Tesco bananas going for as much as £100 a kilo on eBay.
One unfortunate Tesco customer told us, “I rushed down here, but they’d sold out by the time I joined the queue.”
“But if you or any of your readers have been lucky enough to buy some, I’d like to borrow them between 8pm and 9pm this evening, just for a few minutes if possible?”
“I’ll even pay handsomely for the loan, and you can have them back right afterwards.”