Friday 13 March 2015 by Gary Stanton

Costa Coffee to offer budget high-strength alcohol and fights


Costa Coffee to offer fights

Costa Coffee will attempt to cash in on Wetherspoons’ market share by offering punters the chance to get their heads kicked in.

After Wetherspoons announced plans to sell Lavazza filter coffee for 99p, Costa said it would offer Stella for 50p a pint, served by a powerfully-built man with a swallow tattoo on his neck.

Costa has long feared that it is losing out on the ‘punters with very little disposable income, but an understandably volatile temper’ market, who believe the coffee chain is ‘too poncey’.

Costa spokesman Simon Williams said, “From the end of March, Costa customers will be able to enjoy a delicious filter coffee or a pint of high-strength lager surrounded by a seething undercurrent of aggression.”

“With a new emphasis on consumption, our aim is to triple the number of violent incidents over the next 18 months.”

“Loyalty cards will be replaced by a bloke called Stan who will give you the once over and determine whether you’re a sound lad or not.”

Costa will also offer cheap shots of Jaegermeister to an audible Happy Hardcore mix and have overhauled the door policy to weed out the hipster scum.

Williams added, “You’ll need a coffee just to sober up.”

“And you’ll no longer need to worry about other customers sneering at your risible attempts to pronounce the word ‘Latte’.”

“Stan seriously couldn’t give a fuck.”

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