Thursday 12 March 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Jeremy Clarkson’s wife hospitalised with RSI after signing petition 650,000 times


Jeremy Clarkson petition

Francis Cain, the wife of Jeremy Clarkson has been rushed to hospital with chronic RSI after signing the ‘Save Clarkson’ petition 650,000 times.

A source close to Cain said, “If the BBC sacks Jeremy from Top Gear, then he will inevitably spend more time at home. With Francis. And she said that simply can not be allowed to happen.”

“Trust me, she’s been on that website like a woman possessed.”

The popularity of the petition has been baffling people who’ve seen Mr Clarkson’s ‘work’ on television, and Ms Cain’s injury finally gives an explanation.

Television owner Darren Brown still suffers frequent headaches after spending hours banging his head against the wall when his television got stuck on Dave during a ‘Top Gear’ marathon.

“I was baffled at who could be signing this petition,” he said from one of the many No-more-Top-Gear-ever parties that have been raging across the country since yesterday’s announcement.

“I’d assumed it was people without televisions who couldn’t read, and had therefore never had to endure his opinions on why right breasts are better than left, or who is a ‘poofter’ for not liking a car.”

Jeremy Clarkson petition

Although Ms Cain is responsible for the vast majority of online signatures, we tracked down the other person who’s signed the petition; life-long Jeremy Clarkson fan, Simon Williams.

“Yeah, he should definitely be back on television, he’s such a breath of fresh air in a world dominated by PC madness and… oh who am I kidding, even I can’t maintain this façade, the world’s a better place without him.”

In related news; shares in the ‘Dave’ TV channel are now worthless.

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