Tuesday 10 March 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Scotland accused of not taking gale warning seriously amid reports of record kite sales


Scotland Gale Warnings ignored

The indomitable nation of Scotland has once again shown it is harder than your nan’s attempt at cake by chortling directly into mother nature’s ugly face.

With 70 mph winds forecast in Braveheart’s back yard, the Scots have responded by simply guffawing, getting lashed and having a contest to see who can fly the best looking kite.

“Dangerous?” said Barry McWilliams, a welder from Dundee.

“Get tae fuck. This is nothing more than kite flying weather, fit for a king.

“Your weather reporter must be a bit of a wee Jessie I reckon. Probably lives with his mother and owns at least one coat.”

Weather reporter, Charles Briggs, said, “The wee Jessie comment is accurate, but that’s not the point.

“This is some major-league wind we’re talking about. I mean, seriously, seriously blowy.

“Look, I can’t properly describe how windy it is without panicking people, which I’m not really allowed to do.

“You’ve seen the film ‘Twister’, yes? Right. Imagine that, but with fewer Hollywood types and more batter chocolates.

“That’s what’s going to happen in Scotland.”

Scotland weather warning

News commentator, Rosie Jones, said “Why is anyone surprised? We’ve all seen that documentary that Mel Gibson did; this is a nation of warriors who got their arses out when faced with near-certain death at the hands of the entire English army.

“I doubt that a stronger than average breeze is going to sway them; literally or figuratively.”

Scottish kite merchant, Trevor Newland, shrugged, “To be honest, I’m making far too much money to worry about a bit of a breeze.

“I got blown away with a kite when I was 7 years old. Didn’t do me any harm; in fact it was one hell of a ride. I almost saw the sun.”

Newland is expected to make close to three hundred thousand pounds this week, which, in Scotland, makes him a millionaire.

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