Tuesday 10 March 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Grantham police to institute programme of Stop-and-Search for under-fives


stop and search for under fives

Grantham police have announced that their new Stop-and-Search programme will specifically target children under the age of five.

This follows a four-year-old yesterday being given a warning for cycling on the pavement.

“It’s important to get these little bastards early,” said Chief Inspector Simon Williams.

“Young children are well-known for committing all sorts of crimes, from pulling wings off flies, to soiling themselves and even creeping up behind you and going ‘RA!”

“There is a great deal of evidence to show that it’s only a short step from these sort of anti-social behaviours to becoming violent armed bank robbers, drug barons or terrorists.”

“Our research shows that Jihadi John was once a five year old.”

Many people have queried the need to target such a young group of potential offenders, though Williams defended the move.

He said, “Well, apart from anything else, they’re really easy to catch; they can’t run very fast, they don’t hit you very hard. Our arrest rate is going to fly up.”

We approached a local four-year-old; Sophie for comment.

“I like bunnies,” she said.

But she was unable to expand on this thought as she appeared to have something up her nose that needed her urgent and immediate attention.

However, the announcement has been welcomed by six-year-olds, who have been seen buying large quantities of stink bombs, catapults and whoopee cushions.

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