Friday 6 March 2015 by Neil Tollfree

London Chugger called Jez named ‘most dismal human alive’


London chugger

A chugger from Shoreditch called Jez has been declared the World’s most dismal human being.

Jez works on the approach to St Pauls cathedral and can regularly be heard offering passers-by a ‘free hug, fella?’

With his trademark dreadlocks, pierced face, and ostentatiously floppy hat, he spends most of his day doing stupid dances and invading the personal space of anyone who comes near him.

Chugger is a contraction of ‘Charity mugger,’ the popular name for young people who collect charity subscriptions from strangers in the street.

The term became popular after the original term; ‘grasping charity fuck-pig,’ was deemed unsuitable for the popular media.

When told he had won he responded with a typical lack of self-awareness.

“Yeah. Nice one, fella. I mean, yeah. It’s, like, you know, yeah. It’s a laugh isn’t it?”

“I mean, yeah, it’s, you know, probably not just for my charity work, yeah? I do a bit of DJing as well. Here you go fella, here’s a flyer, yeah.”

Jez has been punched in the face over fifty times and is a keen Bongo enthusiast.

The announcement has been seen as a surprise to many with strong competition from the likes of Bashar Al-Assad, Sepp Blatter and Vernon Kaye, but not to Jez’s mother.

“No, that’s about right,” she said.

“He really is awful.”

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