Wednesday 4 March 2015 by Luke Geoghegan

Millions of rulers feared missing after publication of penis size survey


Penis Survey published

Millions of rulers, tape measures, and other length measurement devices are feared missing following the publication of a British survey on average penis sizes.

Workplaces around the country have been advised by the Home Office to ‘remain vigilant’ against opportunistic theft, and to keep all stationery under lock and key for the foreseeable future.

Stationers and office supply companies have also revealed nationwide stock shortages, as well as peculiar behaviour amongst some shoppers.

“We’ve had to employ a one-in-one-out policy for men & boys aged 14 and up for the first time in our history,” said one retailer who wished to remain anonymous.

“I also had a camera and a couple of new mirrors installed in the ruler aisle.”

“A lot of what I can only describe as inappropriate ‘pocket billiards’ this week, I’m afraid.”

Penis length survey

Following the recent panic buying spree over the last few days, high street names such as WH Smith and Rymans have also been forced to temporarily suspended their returns policy on rulers and mixed stationery sets.

“One chap came back within 20 minutes of purchasing a packet of deluxe set squares, he bought it because that’s all we had left with centimetres on it,” added our source.

“He already seemed really crestfallen about something when he asked for his money back, so it was a shame to disappoint him further.”

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