Monday 2 March 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Trade Descriptions Act forces ‘Gentlemen’s Clubs’ to be renamed ‘Tosser Shacks’


Gentlemans clubs to be renamed

As of midnight on March 31st, strip clubs will no longer be allowed to refer to themselves as ‘Gentlemen’s clubs’, as it is a clear violation of the Trade Descriptions Act.

The most recent statistics suggest that 98% of strip club visitors are not, in fact, gentlemen but tossers, with the remaining 2% being gentlemen only there as part of a stag do and are too polite to suggest anything less hideous.

Sociologist, Simon Williams, said, “We visited several different strip clubs and immediately upped their standards just by being there and not wearing a scoop neck t-shirt.

“It became clear to us that there were no gentlemen present.

“Nobody so much as held a door open for us, nor did a man apologise when his erection knocked my wine glass over.

“There was no pleasant conversation, no sharing of a hookah pipe… In fact, the whole place had the same vibe one would imagine of a prison courtyard, only with a roof and some tits.”

Strip club owner, Wayne Matthews, suggested that this vibe was intentional.

“We target wankers,” he shrugged, “they seem to have the most money these days and they see no problem with spending fourteen quid on two pints just to be near a dead-eyed woman dancing for pennies.

“I can’t recall ever seeing a gentleman in here, apart from that bloke who turned up from the council saying something about an expired liquor license.

“I wasn’t paying much attention to that as one of our girls had glassed a punter for touching her foot.

“We welcome group bookings as well as chronically lonely individuals.”

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