Monday 23 February 2015 by Gary Stanton

MPs announce ‘Buy One Get One Free’ sale


Jack Straw for sale

Westminster has launched unbeatable spring deals on leading bent politicians – while stocks last.

With ex-warmonger Jack Straw available for as little as £5000 a day, parliamentary MPs say they’re willing to throw in a free Malcolm Rifkind to anyone seeking influence.

Conservative MP Simon Williams said, “These really are rock-bottom prices. Get on down to your local constituency surgery to avoid the rush.”

“We’ve slashed our prices on corrupt former Foreign Secretaries, so why not disguise yourself as a Chinese media company and take advantage of our great offers?”

“Tories – Half Price!”

“Labour – a third off !”

“Lib Dems – yeah sod it, you can have ‘em for nothing. We’ll even throw in a free sofa.”

Industry CEO Mandy Simcock said, “I’ve been queueing since 6 am to get a load of EU legislation altered so that I can screw over my workers more easily.”

“Not only did I bag a Rifkind, they offered me two Hamiltons and a Hague.”

Last night Jack Straw denied that he was for sale and maintained that all of his financial transactions were completely above board.

“An American guy called George offered me fifty thousand to vote yes to the war on Iraq,” Straw told us.

“The parliamentary records will show that on that occasion I just bent over and took it.”

Meanwhile, last night Lib Dem MP Nick Clegg was facing serious allegations that he approached
a dodgy media firm posing as somebody with influence.

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