Tuesday 17 February 2015 by Neil Tollfree

People with colds to lose benefits


People with colds to lost benefits

The Prime Minister announced yesterday that people who catch a cold could be ineligible for benefits under new plans.

The announcement follows previous plans to make the drug dependent and obese ineligible for benefits.

“We at the Tory party feel that, for far too long, it’s been easy for people with colds just to sit around watching Deal or No Deal, drinking Lucozade, and sucking Lockets,” said the Prime Minister.

“It’s not a life I want, it’s not a life I’d want for my children. So we’re hoping our new plans will really incentivise people to not catch colds.”

The plans are expected to take effect after the next election and have already found favour amongst idiots.

“Yeah, well, I think it’s about time we started cracking down on these people who catch colds,” said moron Simon Williams.

“I go to work every day and these people just sit about sneezing? I mean, it’s not on.”

The Labour party were quick to counter-attack.

“This uncaring Government want to abandon people at their lowest ebb, cast them aside without so much as a sachet of Limsip.”

“The Labour party pledge to offer free nice soup for several days until the worst of the cold is over, because we’re in touch with the people and know how nasty a cold can be.”

It is thought that the Government is planning to follow this announcement with plans to withhold benefits from those who have a stomach bug, a bit of a headache or who have stubbed their toe.

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