Thursday 12 February 2015

Men begin desperate search for least-terrible Valentine’s Day gift


Valentines Gift

Men across the country have begun the thankless task of looking for a Valentine’s Day gift that doesn’t make them look like a thoughtless moron.

With less than 48 hours until the day itself, time is now short for them to demonstrate ‘sensitivity, thoughtfulness and love’ through the purchase of some heart-shaped tat.

Man Kevin Lloyd told us, “Last year I got the missus a red heart cushion with the words ‘I Love You to the moon and back’ embroidered on it.

“She cried for over an hour and kept sobbing, ‘why don’t you love me?’.

“So this year I simply have to get her something that is the least-bad gift I can possibly manage.

“Of course, I’m a man and therefore not capable of reading minds, so I know I can’t get her something ‘good’ – so I’ll be happy to settle for ‘not terrible’.

“But it’s hard, you know? I mean, flowers and chocolates – that’s isn’t ‘terrible’, is it? What about if I handwrite the card rather than let Moonpig print it for me – that’s romantic, right?”

Other man Simon Williams explained that despite best intentions, all men are on a hiding to nothing anyway.

He told us, “Believe me when I say that no matter how much you spend, no matter how creative you get, no matter how much planning or thought went into your valentines evening, I guarantee you, unequivocally, that your missus will know someone whose partner did that little bit more.

“Not that she’ll be ungrateful on the outside, oh no.

“It’s just, that, well, wouldn’t it have been nice if that string quartet you hired knew some Brahms like Julie’s boyfriend’s hired orchestra did?

“Or, you know that plane you hired to write her name in the sky, well, Dave hired the Red Arrows for Tracey.

“I say stick to the Michael Bolton CD and sex voucher redeemable on demand.”

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