Monday 9 February 2015

B&Q to sell ’50 Shades of Grey’ DIY bondage kits for idiots


B&Q bondage kits

Retailer B&Q is to stock packs of DIY bondage equipment in the checkout area following the release of 50 Shades of Grey on Valentine’s Day.

With management predicting a rise in demand for cable ties, rope, and various orifice-sized implements, stores are being told to prepare for waves of new customers.

As one B&Q executive explained, “Point of Sale marketing is a well-established technique for driving sales using the spur of the moment purchase.”

“But whereas that prime real estate might have traditionally gone to high-margin items such as batteries and glue, now it will be going to paraphernalia associated with sexual deviancy.”

“For just £19.99 you can get a bondage starter pack that includes everything you need to tie someone up for the duration of the evening whilst you try to recreate something you saw at the cinema.”

“We might not be Ann Summers, but we can certainly cater for that market if it’s what our customers want. And it appears they do.”

“Now, some people will say that we don’t even stock dildos, but I’d counter that by saying that if you’re brave enough, then everything we stock is a dildo.”

B&Q bondage kits

Many women have said that if the prospect of a bit of naughty bedroom fun is what it takes to finally get their husbands into a DIY store, then so be it.

Sharon Williams said, “You know, the bondage stuff sounds great, but is there any chance that the film includes a scene where Christian Grey paints the spare room and finally gets round to putting those shelves up?”

“I’m happy for my Simon to go and buy himself a bondage starter kit, obviously.”

“As long as he also picks up some paint for the spare room – and whilst he’s there maybe he could get some advice on loosening my tight back door?”

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