Friday 30 January 2015

Kim Sears’ Profanisaurus to be out for Christmas


Kim Sears profanisaurus

Andy Murray’s fiance Kim Sears has signed a lucrative publishing deal to produce a range of books teaching poor people how to swear properly.

The move comes after Sears was filmed during Andy Murray’s semi-final victory at the Australian open producing what experts have called, “A Malcolm Tucker-esque diatribe that would have made a navvy blush.”

Her agent said of the publishing deal, “Kim has for many years been honing her swearing ability, introducing creative invectives to all walks of life.”

“From tennis matches, to Waitrose running out of ironing water, to when postmen don’t knock before posting a ‘sorry we missed you card’ – she has the perfect expletive ready and waiting.”

“The fact that she called Tomas Berdych a ‘Spanner-faced Czech ponce who throws a backhand like it’s a granny’s handbag’ is just a little sample she was putting out there – like marketing, really.”

“She has the ideal profanity for all occasions, and we look forward to sharing those with the nation.”

Kim Sears profanisaurus

Amateur swearer Simon Williams said he was excited to read the first edition.

He told us, “Sometimes I get frustrated and all that comes out is ‘f*cking bastard’ – which though satisfying, isn’t very creative.”

“If she can put me in the Premier League of world-wide swearers, I’d be forever grateful. With something better than ‘twat’ hopefully.”

“Plus, my missus can be a bit temperamental, so I’m betting that thanks to Andy Murray she’s got loads of creative alternatives for ‘cheer up you moody bastard’.”

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