Wednesday 28 January 2015 by Davywavy

‘Apple profits are outrageous’ tweets man into his new £700 iPhone


Apple record profits

Technology giant Apple has declared its biggest ever quarterly profit, much to the annoyance of people who don’t seem to understand how capitalism works.

After making £11bn in profit from Sept to December 2014, the company said the rise was down to selling huge amounts of stuff to people who don’t seem to know better.

Apple user Simon Williams told us, “I find the amount of the profit, £11bn, to be quite distasteful, so much so I had to tweet about it on my new iPhone 6.”

“It’s the gold one, but I had to pay an extra £160 for the bigger storage – you know, the stuff you can plug into other makes of phones for about a tenner.”

“I need it for all the apps and movies I buy through iTunes, in fact I’ve blown through that £50 gift card I got for Christmas already.”

“It’s so nice and shiny. I love it.”

“But yes, I really do hate Apple and their excessive profits.”

Apple makes £11bn quarterly profit

Technology analyst Martin Grove, who arrived for our interview on roller skates despite being 43, said, “Apple’s marketing is brilliant in its simplicity.”

“They identify people for whom the word ‘funky’ isn’t an insult, they convince them that sucking on the teet of corporate America is indeed ‘funky’, and then they milk them for all they’re worth.”

“Yes, I am a huge fan of their products, why do you ask?”, he added.

“Sherbet dip?”

Grove also revealed that the perfect Apple customer is reported to be a modernist architect who likes baking, with a bushy beard and an ironic 1950s-style tattoo of a rose on his neck.

Our economics correspondent said, “God knows how, but people like that always seem to be loaded.”

“Do you know where their money comes from?”

“No, me neither.”

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