Thursday 22 January 2015 by Gary Stanton

UKIP manifesto to be released in plain packaging


UKIP plain package for manifesto

UKIP’s election manifesto is to be released in a plain wrapper due to its potentially harmful effect on voters.

The decision follows years of campaigning by liberals alarmed at the effect UKIP’s policies have on people who have never smoked.

Health expert Simon Williams said, “We’ve known for years about the harmful effects of ingesting these policies, but we had no idea they could turn you into an absolute arsehole.”

“People are attracted by the shiny purple cover and the idea that all their problems are the fault of immigrants.”

Williams cites the case of Kerry Smith who was consuming over forty UKIP manifestos a day as part of his job in the party’s PR department.

“Kerry Smith was an ordinary guy with a girl’s name and a high Body Mass Index who lived on a council estate.”

“He had a lot to look forward to like croissants and playing football with white children in the park.”

“After developing his manifesto reading habit, Mr Smith started feeling breathless and began ranting about chinks and filthy queers. He continued on despite the warnings.”

“A simple CT scan conducted by an Eritrean immigrant doctor revealed that his brain was actually full of shit.”

Williams added, “As of May, children walking into a newsagent to buy a copy of the manifesto will be confronted with a humdrum plain cover not even bearing Nigel Farage’s contorted face.”

“If we can stop just one person getting hooked on UKIP, it will be completely worth it.”

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