Tuesday 20 January 2015 by Juliet Brando

UKIP to invoice anyone who doesn’t turn up to their party


UKIP to invoice non-party members

As Green Party membership rose to approximately 44,000, overtaking UKIP in what social media has dubbed the ‘Green Surge’, leader Nigel Farage has proposed a solution.

“That ruddy YouGov poll said we’d be more popular than Labour by now,” the UKIP leader explained from outside a pub in Sittingbourne.

“It’s only fair that we introduce a no-show penalty for anyone not signing up as a member.”

The proposed plan will see an invoice for £15.95 sent to every UK resident who hasn’t joined UKIP.

“It costs a lot of money to have a party, you know,” Farage fumed.

“Our MEPs get virtually nothing from the blasted EU! In 2012, we only got our basic £79,000 salaries and a measly £800,000 of expenses on top! It’s a pittance!”

For a fee of £30 per year, UKIP members will be consulted on future policy development, have the opportunity to join the infamous “Gadfly” dining club, and receive a soft toy depicting the racial stereotype of their choice.

“We’re not like other political parties,” said Nigel Farage, splashing beer into his lap.

“No more European Union for us! No more meddling Eurocrats in Brussels, straightening our bananas and sending our tax money to Bongo Bongo Land!”

Lighting the wrong end of his cigarette, the UKIP leader’s mood darkened.

“No more EU does mean no more MEPs’ expenses though, so we need to make up the difference from somewhere.”

When asked how his party plans to fund the delivery of invoices to the 64 million UK residents who are not yet members of UKIP, Farage shrugged.

“We’ll probably get Romanians to leaflet again. They charge sod all.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: