Tuesday 6 January 2015

Labour giving doorstep campaigns a bad name, insist Jehovah’s Witnesses


Labour doorstep campaigns

The concept of knocking on someone’s door and talking them into believing in the same things as you is in danger of disappearing thanks to left-wing bullshit, according to the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

The religious group has previously dominated the annoying doorstep visitor market, exploiting their unique brand of ‘public conversion strategies’ designed to swell their support.

However, those strategies are now in danger as members of the public have begun ignoring their door bells thanks to the threat of lectures about the NHS from sanctimonious left-wing volunteers.

Jehovah’s Witness Simon Williams told us, “For years people have just about tolerated us knocking on their door to talk to them about Jesus, blood transfusions, and where black people come from – but now folks are just too afraid of the door bell.”

“Who wants to open their door when there is a strong possibility you’ll be subjected to a load of bullshit from a left-wing moron who thinks the road to recovery is paved with stronger unions?”

“At least when we are at your door we have some nice fairy stories to tell you about heaven and stuff – I mean, who wants to know about longer waiting times at A&E?”

Labour doorstep campaign

Voter Jane Matthews told us, “If someone is going to interrupt me watching Coronation Street, then they better be offering me something better than a plan to save the NHS.”

“I want eternal salvation and a mansion in the clouds, as a minimum.”

“All I got was a lecture about Tories making the rich even richer, and how Labour will create more jobs for young people – but I’m 38, like I give a shit about young people.”

“I guess I’d be interested to know if me telling someone to piss off counts towards Ed Miliband’s target of four million conversations?”

“Anyway, I’ve disconnected the doorbell until the end of May – it’s the only option.”

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