Thursday 18 December 2014 by Neil Tollfree

Libraries urged to sell shitty, over-priced buckets of coffee flavoured milk


Library coffee shop

Libraries have been urged to emulate coffee shops in order to survive, according to a new report into the service.

“Libraries could definitely benefit from sofas, free wifi, idiots with beards the size of bushels and remixes of Bavarian vagina music playing in the background,” said William Sieghart, the author of the report.

Libraries have been criticised for merely providing access to huge quantities of books, music and films for free.

We visited a small village library in Essex to see how much it had of Mr Sieghart’s report had been implemented.

“Well, I have got a kettle in the staff room, and it won’t take me a minute to pop to Budgens for some Nescafe,” said Mrs Heaton, the sole librarian in the Ingatestone village library.

However, when it became apparent that she was unable to provide a milk foam or biscotti, we were forced to leave.

Despite the lack of enthusiasm from this particular library, the recommendations have been warmly received by the public.

“No, it’s a good idea,” said Simon Williams.

“I mean, you can never have enough places to buy coffee, sometimes I have to walk over two steps to find somewhere that’ll do me a latte. So I’d definitely start going back to libraries again.”

“They still do Asterix books, right?”

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